If You Can’t Relate, You’re A Liar. Or A Functioning Adult.

Written by Molly Klima



We’ve all been there; we’ve all experienced the pain. The constant fear. The gnawing regret. The lies you keep telling yourself… You know what I’m talking about: the procrastination station.


It starts with that one due date rising on the horizon like a blood-red sunrise. You know it’s there. It haunts your every waking move. Soon, you find yourself taking naps to escape its clutches, but this only appears to hasten its pace. You decide to distract yourself. Six Buzzfeed quizzes later, you finally understand the intersection between your star sign, your basic personality flaws, and your choice in footwear/significant others, plus what kind of bread you would be in a parallel universe where, you know, people were wheat products. But the paranoia lingers.


So you get productive. You make a to-do list with the assignment right on top, then proceed to do all of your laundry, wash your kitchen floors, and gaze at your email inbox for half an hour. You might not have started the assignment, but you’ve achieved something, you tell yourself. There’s nothing more you can possibly do now, you have to start the assignment.


But you’ve been so productive already, whispers the voice that lives in the back of your brain. It echoes up from a void you can’t place. Treat yourself.


The ominous voice is right. You deserve a break. You sit back, relax, kick up your feet, and suddenly, Netflix is on. You don’t question how - technology is so evolutionary these days, it’s impossible to keep up - but there it is, glimmering in the corner of the screen under the “Recently Watched” header: your favorite show.


Five hours later, you resurface from the digital abyss, awash with guilt and self-loathing. Who are you kidding, this day has been a waste. You’ve accomplished nothing of note. You are hopeless, desperate, a wild animal in a cage for too long. Then, it hits you.


A nuclear bomb goes off in the back of your brain, where that ominous voice had once been. You have entered the hot panic zone. Your safety is obliterated. Your laziness vanquished. You have finally understood the severity of your actions. This project is too big to continue to put off! Your time is up! If not completed, this assignment will ruin your life as you know it, your future, and god knows what else.  The evening is salvageable, you decide. It has to be.


You grab a snack; you know this journey will be long and arduous, and you will need sustenance for the road. The comforting sound of your overworked coffeemaker becomes both your fight song and your lullaby. Come hell or high water, you will rise victorious over this assignment! You will! You must! After all, diamonds aren’t made without a little pressure.


There is a lesson to be learned here, scholars. Read this narrative. Then read it again. Maybe you will understand it at that point. I’d tell you what it is, but honestly… I’ve got other things to do.