Don’t Be Fooled, Winter in MN is Hell!

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Written by Austen Macalus

Minnesotans will try to tell you that winter is no big deal. We claim that we’ll shovel snow in swim shorts and walk to school in blizzards and maybe, just maybe, consider putting on a sweatshirt in January. We say negative 30 degrees (with a negative 40 degree wind chill) isn’t really that cold.

 

Don’t let our earnest demeanor fool you. These are lies. Plain and simple, winter in Minnesota is hell. it’s cold, it’s long, and it’s miserable. For gosh sakes, no person deserves this:

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Now, before you question my credentials, I’d consider myself to be pretty well-versed on this topic. After all, I’m a born and bred Minnesotan, with the pedigree to back it up: I played hockey growing up; my goodbyes routinely last longer than 30 minutes; I’ve eaten hotdish and jello salad and lutefisk in a VFW in Roseau; I periodically say phrases like “You betcha!” unironically and exclaim “ooop” when I bump into someone. I’ve got my Minnesotan card checked. So, when we Minnesotans are lying about their fondness of winter, believe me.  

 

Since before Paul Bunyan stomped around the state, leaving behind a trail of 10,000 lakes, Minnesotans have perpetuated the stereotype that we are immune to the extreme cold, dark nights, and utter brutality of a Minnesotan winter. We’ve even been called smug for bragging about it.

 

But, I can tell you that it’s absolutely awful to walk outside when it’s between December and March. It’s a nightmare to shovel your way out of your house. And driving in 6ft of snow, isn’t much fun, that is unless you don’t like to have control over the steering wheel, and in turn, your life. If you’ve ever been snowed in by a plow, you know what I mean.

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Despite our braggadocious ways, Minnesotans are only human. Humans were not meant to live in these conditions, that is to say nothing of the incompatibility of cars and ice. It’s a fact of nature and science. Truly, it’s simple logic: If you are a mortal being, which most people in Minnesota are (the exception, of course, being Prince and Bob Dylan, who are, by most people’s definition, immortal), then you are not suited this weather.

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But the worst part of a Minnesota winter is not the cold, or the snow, or the ice. The absolute worst part of winter is that it never ends. One day, usually towards mid-November, it starts, and it goes on toward April. It’s nearly 5 months of this misery.

 

There are some days where there is some hope that winter has finally passed. A few days of “warm weather,” or anything above 30 degrees. But it’s only a matter of time before another snowstorm hits and you remember that there is no hope in winter, only cold.The fallacy of an early spring is just about as ridiculous as licking a lamppost in the middle of January. Here we know that Groundhog Day is not really a holiday; in fact, it’s merely a reminder that other parts of the country don’t live like this.

 

Now, I don’t mean to rant. Perhaps I am just sun-deprived. But the truth needs to be told. Winter in Minnesota is hell. A cold, icy, frigid hell that continues for months and months on end, with no hope in sight. Besides that, we are actually a pretty cool state.